Fighting the good fight
Controlling Your Conflicts
In the beginning... In the beginning is right! When you first partner up with someone you see hearts in their eyes and you think they poop rainbows. But as time goes by what seemed magical between you two starts to feel like a burden. “But how Sway? HOW?”.
Unfortunately just because you share a mutual affection for each other doesn’t mean you share the same mindset. When that fact has uncovered the tone of how you two as a couple, handle conflict is established.
Typically we revert to behaviors we’ve learned. Rather it is from what we’ve observed, (Parents, family, friends, media) or what we have experienced which most likely puts us in a mess of confusion with wild attempts to protect ourselves. You complete this pattern consistently and there you have it, you can’t stand each other and you want to break up. But there IS a path back to coupled bliss.
You know the saying, “There are RULES TO THE GAME”. That applies to Conflict Management in your relationship too. Many times we hurt each other because we’re not conscious of how we’re communicating during disagreements. We get triggered by whatever made us feel hurt and continue our expression and understanding of what’s happening from that place.
Gain control over your conflicts by establishing your "Rules for Fighting." These are rules that you both establish that work as guidelines that help you navigate those heated moments.
Your Rules are catered to the relationship. Here are the rules I’ve developed and employ for myself.
- Don’t go to sleep without speaking. - One of the most damaging things you can do to your relationship is to allow catabolic energy to fester between you two overnight. The conflict may not be ready to be resolved and that’s ok. You don’t have to carry it around. The most important thing between you and your partner is Love, not that conflict. When you stop talking you leave room for that to be questioned.
- Control that Tone! - How many times have we heard, “It’s not what you say but HOW you say it”. You can start or end a conflict with how you choose to speak. If your emotions are too present to say what you need to without taking control of you, give yourself some time to recenter to avoid being misunderstood.
- Say when you need space and for how long. - Stepping away from a situation when you see it spiraling out of control is a great tool but you have to remember you have something or should I say someone to come back to. Letting them know that you do have plans to return and when helps everyone involved know that though conflict maybe separating us currently the ultimate desire is to be together. Giving hope for a resolution.
- Don’t Isolate. - Fighting with your mate is terrible and we hate the way it feels. It’s easy to pour yourself into work or a hobby in an effort to distract yourself, which creates a barrier that is easy to build and harder to break. Think of the fight as a wound. You wouldn’t go golfing or shopping with a gaping hole in your side and just pretend it wasn’t there.
- Trinket of love (Olive Branch) - This rule is my favorite because it’s a great way to quickly de-escalate a disagreement without having to say a single word. Each of you will find an object, however big or small that you think represents your love and commitment to your mate. You’ll explain to them the value of what you have selected so the meaning of the object is clearly understood between you both. When that moment comes where you're fighting and it doesn’t seem like your words can get you to a point of seeing eye to eye, you can give your token of love to your mate as a representation of everything that you are still working for. Reminding them of the same.
This is just the first batch that we have employed to continue to maintain our relationship. Developing ways to keep your relationship is a life long journey to be enjoyed and explored. KEEP FIGHTING! *WinkWink 😜
The World Won't Stop & I Can't Either
I’ve had the hardest weekend that I have had since I can’t even remember. When someone you love has their life put in jeopardy you are thrust into emotional chaos that is hard to control. My initial reactions are typically fear and anger. I’m afraid for the person that I love because they are in danger and I’m angry that the situation occurred at all. But through my studying and work with coaching, I have learned and truly realized though a part of the process sometimes can be operating through this level of energy, doing it for too long is exhausting and unproductive. I had to tell myself that, “ I realize that you’re hurt. And you have every right to be. But if all I am is hurt then I’m not going to be able to help myself or anyone else.” That was the first action thought to help me calm myself down and readjust my thinking so that my emotions can follow. This instantly puts me in a place of gratitude and I remember what things I’m grateful for in this challenging time. When my heart is grateful is when creativity begins to form and the obstacle before me is changed to an opportunity.
When we are hurting we tend to forget how many other hurting people are in this world. Our pain takes precedence over everything. It’s an alluring an easy place to get lost. Because the world will keep turning even though we have decided to resign from it until we’re forced back to reality with another painful truth to face.
So many people move from painful moments to painful moments throughout their lives until it is no more. Like the undeniable turning of the world, we can turn our pain into something glorious that the world needs if we’re strong enough to remember the work we’re meant to complete.
So I take time out and nurture myself. Take time out and nurture yourself too.
I know that I’m hurting but I know that I’m healing too.
I pray the same for you.
Who Do You Want To Be Right Now?
The mind is our greatest form of entertainment. It’s always moving. Creating possibilities and replaying past experiences. How many times do we find ourselves replaying our behavior in a moment and wish that we could have acted differently?
I think it’s positive to reflect on our behaviors in the past when we use it to better ourselves in the present. When we remember that everything is a part of our journey and we also can use this experience to move us where we want to go, we can remove the guilt and self-loathing that we attach to our experiences.
When we show up at a level that isn’t a reflection of our true self we see that there’s something inside of us that is producing the reality we don’t want. It’s here where we have the opportunity to create and find the path for change.
If you want to be somebody else...
Change your mind! Also the title of one of my favorite songs by Sister Hazel. Those three words ring so true. You are the only one who decides who you are. You get to choose in every moment how you want to show up in the world.
So if you think about life as one giant costume party, what character are you being right now? Are you the classic “Bum” costume: the look of desperation, content with no hope, aimlessly wandering, and being a drainer of energy? Or the type that loves to wear a mask? Hiding and putting on a face that’s the furthest thing from who you naturally are. Not letting anyone know what’s truly underneath. You could be the hero: A beaming energy that confidently enters the party with the mindset that they’re there to make a positive difference. Unafraid to come against adversity because they know that they fight for justice for all! Can you hear the inspirational music!?? 😂
But honestly, if you think about it, a hero is only a hero because of what they CHOOSE to actually DO. You have to control your mind to produce the outcome you want. When you do what you have decided that is being successful and being who you want to be.
You don’t have to feel like circumstances and people are controlling who you are. What’s happening outside of you is to be used to get you closer to who you are on the inside. But it’s YOU who decides who you want to be.
So make the decision, the world is waiting to see who you’re dressed as.
It happened before so it will happen again.
How False Assumptions affect our lives.
“A thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof” is the technical definition of the word, “Assumption”. But False “Assumptions” are defined as a belief that because something happened in the past it’s going to happen again. Which works against you. For example, I wear my green blazer when I went for the interview and I didn’t get the job. Now I assume that I might as well not even go to the interview if all I have to wear is that terrible green blazer because I definitely won’t get the job if I wearing it.
Something like wardrobe can seem trivial, but a false assumption of any size can grow into something that keeps you from moving forward. When we carry false assumptions of any kind we basically end our story before it starts. Have you ever been a part of a group and you started out your task with a giant, “I know we CAN’T!”. NO! Because if you didn’t believe that you could achieve your goal you wouldn’t have even assembled. So why do we think it is acceptable to say, “I KNOW this won’t work” because of what has happened in the past? Maybe it just didn’t work that ONE time.
When you’re trying to complete a task that you carry a false assumption around you are subconsciously sabotaging yourself. If you can’t wholeheartedly believe that something is possible then you can’t give your 100% energy into making it so.
Exit here: Challenging False assumptions.
You DO have the power to correct false assumptions and push past what was assumed setbacks. The main question to focus on when challenging an assumption is: “Just because it happened before, why does it have to happen again?”
Most people are familiar with the “Ink Blot Test”, technically known as the Rorschach Test where ink is blotted on a piece of paper and a person's interpretation of what they see is recorded and analyzed. Now mostly it’s trying to determine if your a psychopath or not but the experiment is actually a pretty good analogy on how we as people see the world.
How we interpret what is happening around us is how we approach the world. It’s how we learn and understand. The illusion of this is thinking that our interpretations are the ONLY explanation of any particular situation we experience. When we are unaware that another viewpoint exists we are in danger of spending a lot of time moving in the wrong direction.
We all know a person that when we think about it seems to be chronically negative. No matter the situation somehow they interpret the disadvantages and approach things from that viewpoint instead of seeing the advantages. And we really love hanging out with that person, it’s such a fun time!.... says no one. EVER. This is usually the person we try to avoid or spend as little amount of time as possible with because frankly, their interpretation of the world is just a drain on us.
Or maybe that person is you? (OooOooo it just got real).
Oh, The Possibilities...
If that person is you, the good thing is that you know it. And what’s even better is that you can change it. It all revolves around believing in, “Possibility”. Just by entertaining possibility, it creates an opportunity for creation and correction. It’s amazing how embracing possibility shifts are interpretations of the world.
We’re not always aware that our interpretations need to be checked, but you can ask yourself questions to test the way you are viewing things. Like, “What’s another way to look at that?” Or “How would (insert person you admire & respect) interpret what’s happening?”.
The point is that if what you are seeing isn’t benefiting you then adjust your mind to see what you may be overlooking. If you see no possibilities in sight then you’re definitely in need of some outside interpretations.
Never underestimate a fresh pair of eyes.
Say Hello To The Bad Guy! Silencing Your Inner Critic
It seems like the hardest part of doing something is just figuring out where to start.
And the hardest part about figuring out where to start is actually believing that you can. We all have an Inner Critic or little gross Gremlin that is there to burst our bubble just as it's getting big. The trick is to control the beast and use it to your benefit.
Know your enemy!
To concur with your Critic you first have to know where it comes from. When we were born our vision of the world was full of endless possibilities and a natural belief that we could pursue whatever called our spirits. Somewhere along the way, we started believing that operating inside safe and familiar boundaries would produce the bests results.
So here's The T.E.A: Thoughts. Emotions. Actions that keep the Gremlin growing.
Thought: Anything negative you tell yourself about YOURSELF- " Everyone is more advanced than I am. I feel completely out of place and I don’t belong. (And this helps you how?)
Emotion: Anxiety and Fear. (Say "HeLLOOO to my lil Friends!!". They don’t seem so scary when you use the Pacino voice lol)
Action: I continue to rethink the ways I perceive people to be better than me so I keep myself from trying anything I might fail at. Turn the T.E.A around.
Thought: I am excited to learn from everyone and to share the gifts I have to offer! - Even if initially you're there to learn, at any time the roles may reverse given the situation. When you believe that you always have something to offer you can be present when the opportunity presents itself.
Emotion: Passion, Excitement, Anticipation, Curiosity, and general "Go GET EM TIGER" attitude.
Action: I step into the unknown with confidence that I am there for a reason. Trusting that I do belong I am open to experiencing without fear of judgment. Remember we need you too or you wouldn’t be here.
So if that voice is making you feel worse, not better, then it's a LIE!
Being Kind Is Not Being Weak
There is a saying, "There is nothing new under the sun." So why does it seem like people are getting meaner?
We live in the age of "Fake Love". We talk about how much we love ourselves and what we're doing relentlessly on social media, we post "Self Love" quotes with pensive selfies to match. And yet that "Love" doesn’t seem to be translating into the "Real World". But whhhhhy??
Well, because all that "Self Love" if only given to yourself will only get you by yourself. Truly loving yourself comes with the understanding that "loving" is the greatest experience. Full of passion, joy, and all the colors of the Rainbow. And when you have Love you spread it on as many things in your life as you can, which is everything.
Realizing you are apart of "The Everything" is where the true path to Self-Love lies. We are not self-sustaining creatures that feed off of ourselves. We thrive on the energies in our surroundings. A heartfelt word delivered to a beaten spirit can renew the light that was diminished.
Work, Work, Work!
The strongest people are the kindest. If you have ever been around a baby, (which we all have, some of us are currently acting as one as you read) we all know their emotions are out of control. They are completely wrapped up in their needs and will express themselves in whatever way they see fit to get what they want. And they're perfectly allowed to do that, their BABIES! Newly formed beings lacking any real understanding and operating from their basic level of need.
Us, not being babies still at times find ourselves comfortably responding to issues as one. Especially when responding to conflict. When you're operating from a level 1 place of "Self" you respond in a victimized way which perpetuates more victimization. Meaning I'm having a bad day and you're going to have one too! And that makes you a tough guy, right? No. it makes you a selfish baby.
It takes a high level of strength and Energetic Self Perception to understand that you control when and if you engage in a negative interaction. Countering someone's Catabolic (destructive and negative) energy with Anabolic (constructive and building) energy many times is a life-changing experience for both people involved but you have to have the courage to do it.
When someone is expecting to fight but instead you offer an olive branch their reality of possibilities instantly shifts. What is dark becomes light and the hope that things can feel different returns.
So when someone is trying you instead of thinking of ways to destroy them, remember you're the Superhero in the story and we all need a little saving sometimes. And this is their time.
3 Ways to Keep Your "Can'ts" on the Shelf & Live Free!
One of my favorite vacation destinations in Miami Florida. SHOCKING right? A person who loves Miami? (lol) I love Miami not just for the beautiful beaches, life-changing food, and incredible nights.
I love it because the people are completely free and love the skin their in, and there is an energy that you feel when you arrive there that encourages you to do the same.
When preparing for Miami I'm excited because I'm taking things with me that I normally wouldn’t wear at home because I know they'll get it in Miami. Which made me think, "How often do we adjust ourselves and hold in expressing what feels natural because we don’t feel like we're in the right place?"
What does, "the right place" really mean? If you can go to places all the time in your mind then really aren’t you always in the right place?
It's our perception of how we should be experiencing life that changes when we go on vacation, not our life circumstances. If your rent was due and you didn’t pay it and you went on vacation it's still due while on vacation and even more due when you get back. But while on vacation you would have to be making the conscious effort not to worry about that issue because you made a choice to focus on your present experience.
If you have created a belief that tells you something about your circumstances, whatever they may be is the reason you "can't", no matter where you go you will take your "cant" with you.
But how do I keep my "cants" on the shelf?
- To be aware of how you're triggered: When you understand why something hinders you, you can understand how it's really designed to help you. Fight to stay present when things seem out of control. You CAN handle it, and once you do you will feel accomplished earning your, "Cool Under Pressure" kickbutt badge. That is what I like to imagine lol.
- Remember the feeling of Freedom: Remember that time you stepped out on your own? Afraid. Adrenaline pumping you dove in and just let your self experience and be free? Those moments are what we spend our lives chasing. On a never-ending quest to just be. Taking yourself back to that place in your mind empowers you to create that space in your present and experience fully.
- Pump your Power Phrase: Every extraordinary hero has a catchphrase and you're no different! Maybe you're a Wolverine "I'm the best there is at what I do" or you get right to the point like The Human Torch "Flame on!". Whatever your style having a Power Phrase is a phrase that instantly reminds you that, "I have the Power!" (He-man. I had to sneak at least one more in there lol) and you can do it.
The "can'ts" will always try to creep back up on you, but don’t forget you can quickly remind them where to stay.
Somethings In The Way!
Beliefs that hold you back.
One of my favorite parts of a sporting event is right at the beginning when they are preparing the crowd for the team to come out. (This obviously shows how into sports I am lol). I love it because the announcer and the cheerleaders are telling the crowd exactly who the teams are and that they believe it’s going to be a good game. Then we see the teams run out fully charged with the belief that they’re going to give their all. Everyone in the stands is going crazy with anticipation and excitement because they believe it too. Now imagine if the teams knew that they were going to have a bad game. The way that they looked and the energy that they would bring would be completely different. The crowd would find that energy contagious and before you know it everyone feels like they’re at a big waste of time.
Our beliefs control everything about how we show up in the world. What you believe about yourself literally makes you who you are. So if you feel like you don’t like yourself, who do you believe you are?
To answer that question we usually go back to our experiences which have shaped us to this point. Which is where a lot of us stop. “Because this happened to me, I am this way” and you believe there is nothing you can do to change that.
There is many things that we tell ourselves that act as blocks in our lives. We don’t realize that Limiting Beliefs are one of those blocks.
A Limiting Belief is any belief that stops you from succeeding. It’s something that you believe dictates the way you approach a situation or the world. And beliefs don’t just fall into our lap. The “belief” definitely comes from somewhere, it’s something you have learned. You’ve learned it from someone else, from something that happened to you, or from another “authority” like the media, movies, books, etc. The great thing is you can definitely learn a different belief!
Crush Your Limiting Beliefs
There are many ways to crush your Limiting Beliefs. Once you start, you’ll develop more defenses to remind you of who you really are when these beliefs creep up.
Here’s a great place to start:
- Provide evidence to the contrary: If you try you will find reasons why that belief that is stopping you is a lie.
- Explore what effect the belief has had in your life: if nothing you want has come from holding on to this belief that’s a direct sign to let it go.
- Ask yourself who stated that belief for proof of its truth: You are the only true authority on who you are. If you're getting your identity from an authority outside of yourself, you are giving them the power to decide who you are.
Visualize how you're going to start the “game” and have the BELIEF that you are enough! And if you dislike yourself construct an entirely different belief system for yourself and build your new self, your TRUE self.